I am fuming with frustration at this point. I'm to the point where I can't even function. I have been struggling with personal issues all my life and I am definitely reaching my boiling point. I was sitting in my Human Development class and analyzed a slide off our notes on a PowerPoint presentation and noticed that I have more than half of the topics on the list from a calling service. And I wonder why I'm so screwed up?
So my most recent problem has multiple additions to it.
First it started off with me thinking my boyfriend was cheating on me so we broke up and got back together twice in two weeks. So then my family and friends lecture me and think I'm stupid for being with him.
So I tell him that I've been so stressed that I haven't been doing well in class and with me being depressed, I've been taking large amounts of pills at once thinking it will either kill me or make me feel better.
Then I realize that I have no money saved up and I have less than $100 to my name and am jobless. Which I had about $6,000 saved up but blew it all on my friends and myself. So now I'm just screwed and sitting in my own self pity.
And last but certainly not least, my boyfriend, family, and friends are playing tug o war with me while back home and on spring break. I wouldn't mind all the attention but the problem is that I have to pay for EVERYTHING and I have to drive EVERYWHERE. 1) I don't have money and 2) my mileage isn't turning backwards on my speedometer. The only person who really gives a shit is Samm even though sometimes I feel smothered by her calling, texting and showing up whenever she wants. Richard always wants me to drive down to see him and the rest of my friends either expect rides and or not to pay for things when we go out.
And to make things worse besides being basically ignored and shoved aside while being home on my spring break, my birthday is in a few days. And nobody seems to give a shit about me until that day approaches. All my friends called me and text me saying how much they miss me and how excited they are to see me and I expect to be busy constantly. Well, most of my time is spent sleeping since I'm depressed. Either send me to a tropical place alone or send me to the loony bin! Either one works for me. And you know the fucked up part is? I'll probably have to drive on my birthday because other people can't drive or don't have money for gas. And I'll probably have to pay for whatever we decide to do on my birthday. Isn't that a bitch?! And another thing is my boyfriend has beef with my friends, my friends have beef with him as well as each other and I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm being pushed to let my friend Omar throw me a party since my friends want to party but I don't only because they don't care if it's my birthday. They only want an excuse to party. I just want to go out and have fun and do what I WANT TO DO. And I do not want to deal with my friends fighting with each other. I'm going to tell them beforehand that they need to deal with their own problems that night and not bring them to me because I'd like to enjoy my day and not have to worry. I shouldn't even need to tell my friends this since we're all 20 except Alex. They should have grown up already.
I am just so not happy right now. All I want is my friends to be here with me when I'm down. But they all just do what they want and leave me alone. This really really sucks. I'm at the end of my post assuming Blogging will make me feel better..... Well tonight it didn't work.