Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Why is Growing up so Hard?

I am fuming with frustration at this point. I'm to the point where I can't even function. I have been struggling with personal issues all my life and I am definitely reaching my boiling point. I was sitting in my Human Development class and analyzed a slide off our notes on a PowerPoint presentation and noticed that I have more than half of the topics on the list from a calling service. And I wonder why I'm so screwed up?

So my most recent problem has multiple additions to it.

First it started off with me thinking my boyfriend was cheating on me so we broke up and got back together twice in two weeks. So then my family and friends lecture me and think I'm stupid for being with him.

So I tell him that I've been so stressed that I haven't been doing well in class and with me being depressed, I've been taking large amounts of pills at once thinking it will either kill me or make me feel better.

Then I realize that I have no money saved up and I have less than $100 to my name and am jobless. Which I had about $6,000 saved up but blew it all on my friends and myself. So now I'm just screwed and sitting in my own self pity.

And last but certainly not least, my boyfriend, family, and friends are playing tug o war with me while back home and on spring break. I wouldn't mind all the attention but the problem is that I have to pay for EVERYTHING and I have to drive EVERYWHERE. 1) I don't have money and 2) my mileage isn't turning backwards on my speedometer. The only person who really gives a shit is Samm even though sometimes I feel smothered by her calling, texting and showing up whenever she wants. Richard always wants me to drive down to see him and the rest of my friends either expect rides and or not to pay for things when we go out.

And to make things worse besides being basically ignored and shoved aside while being home on my spring break, my birthday is in a few days. And nobody seems to give a shit about me until that day approaches. All my friends called me and text me saying how much they miss me and how excited they are to see me and I expect to be busy constantly. Well, most of my time is spent sleeping since I'm depressed. Either send me to a tropical place alone or send me to the loony bin! Either one works for me. And you know the fucked up part is? I'll probably have to drive on my birthday because other people can't drive or don't have money for gas. And I'll probably have to pay for whatever we decide to do on my birthday. Isn't that a bitch?! And another thing is my boyfriend has beef with my friends, my friends have beef with him as well as each other and I don't know what the fuck to do. I'm being pushed to let my friend Omar throw me a party since my friends want to party but I don't only because they don't care if it's my birthday. They only want an excuse to party. I just want to go out and have fun and do what I WANT TO DO. And I do not want to deal with my friends fighting with each other. I'm going to tell them beforehand that they need to deal with their own problems that night and not bring them to me because I'd like to enjoy my day and not have to worry. I shouldn't even need to tell my friends this since we're all 20 except Alex. They should have grown up already.

I am just so not happy right now. All I want is my friends to be here with me when I'm down. But they all just do what they want and leave me alone. This really really sucks. I'm at the end of my post assuming Blogging will make me feel better..... Well tonight it didn't work.

Saturday, March 10, 2012

The only person I can rely on is myself...

I'm feeling very alone right now. This entire day I have been in my dorm room, by myself and feeling very unmotivated. I just returned back to my dorm from Texas Roadhouse. It's weird walking into a restaurant by yourself. I think the hostess thought I wanted an application or something. I even lied to not look so stupid eating by myself by telling them that I was supposed to have people meet me there but bailed on me. I decided to sit at the bar even though I was well aware I shouldn't sit there since I'm not 21. But I sat there and ate my steak with tables staring me down. I felt so out of place. This is the second day in a row where I went out to eat and the other customers look at me like I'm crazy. I think the bartender felt somwhat bad for me too. She kept asking me how I was doing and making small talk. Although I enjoyed the small converations, I felt like she wasn't listening. How is it that so many people I know tell me I'm pretty or beautiful and yet I have no friends? If I don't have my boyfriend with me, I feel alone. I walk on campus and feel invisible. I get along with people I meet but I guess I don't make enough of an impact to become someone they want to hang out with. What's wrong with me? I guess it's back to my homework and computer games...

Friday, March 9, 2012

Finally Returned to my Blog!

It's been quite a while since I've posted on this blog. 2008? Yeah it is now 2012. Where has the time gone? Well now I'm out of high school, graduated, and now in college. I live in the dorms at CSU Pueblo. I like it down here but I definitely miss my friends and family back home. Being three hours away is hard at times. I wish I could go home all the time! I think the reason why is because I feel very alone most days. I have a boyfriend whom I've been dating for almost 8 months now. We recently broke up for about four days but then got back in the relationship. He definitely makes me happy for the most part but we are supposed to be working on our differences to make things better for the both of us. I will admit, this is the first time I have ever loved the opposite sex. Like I have said before, I didn't have good luck in relationships in general. I just honestly feel like I'm hanging on to this relationship because if I didn't have him, I wouldn't have anyone. Sure, I get along with the people on my cheer team and people who I meet on campus, but they are just acquaintances and not friends. I have no idea why I have such a hard time making friends but I do. So for the most part, being in this serious relationship makes me happy because I know I have him in my life. But what if holding on to it is making things worse? I can't decide what is best for me and my friends and family have their own opinions. They are entitled to them. However, shouldn't it come down to what I want? I have mixed feelings because of what people say, the things that have happened, and what I feel. All I care about is being happy. So if Richard can't fulfill that, then I guess I should move on. But for the meantime, I'm happy so I really have no complaints. I am just so confused at this point. I used to know exactly what I want and how I would go about it to get it. Now things have changed and I feel like the flag in the middle of a tug-o-war rope; being pulled to one side and then the other. I just need to focus and really think about what it is that I want and put my foot down.

Now the hard part: taking my own advice....

Monday, November 24, 2008

I'm Finally on Thanksgiving Break!

I am so excited :) you have no idea! I finally have a week to relax... HAHA! yeah right! I'm going to be doing homework non stop for the next week! So recently I've been really happy. I started talking to Kyle again. He is such a sweetheart and I like him a lot! He's best friends with my best friends boyfriend :) but like I said I'm really excited! I don't know exactly what will happen between us in the future but I hope it goes as good as it can get :) So besides that were getting ready for Thanksgiving with the family. The first one at our new house! And my mom is planning on making a pie! Haha my mom tried making a pie a long time ago for her parents and I guess grandpa didn't like it too much. Lets just say he scarred her for life and she hasn't made one since. So she's going to get past her fear and make a couple :) I'm so proud of her! Anyways my dogs are being little brats today... THEY WONT LEAVE ME ALONE!!! And sadie is so bored that shes throwing the ball to herself... :) haha its only funny when you actually see it :) OMG. so I just got my cheer pictures from Lifetouch. Fagholes forgot my buddy pictures. GOD DAMMIT! That just pisses me off and the fact that my pictures look like shit. Fuck this. I'm gunna go call their main office and demand I get them free of charge...

Tuesday, November 18, 2008

I Love Carolyn :)

Best friends forever seriously! I love her so much. Its been about 10-11 years already and were closer than ever. Ive moved three times away from arvada and were still BFF's :) I wouldnt be where I am today without her. I feel like I probably couldnt live without her either. She is one of my biggest support system in my life. So many memories and so many we still have to create. This friendship means the world to me. I have so much to say about her but little time. But she deserves a spot on my blog just for her. I LOVE YOU :)

My First BLOG! :)

Wow well lets just say my name is Shelby and I attend Frederick High School in Colorado. I feel like I am a little young to have a blog... but I'm sick of Myspace and Facebook and I think this will do just fine.

So today is Tuesday, November 18th, 2008. And I'll just start off like I would any other blog.

For one I know how it feels to have my heart ripped out and stompped on. And quite frankly, it sucks. So this guy decided to lead me on and play me, along with another girl I go to school with and supposedly others. He's just being really immature about it. The funny part about it is that he told me the other day that he chose her over me, and then she told him that she was done with him so he came back to me. So this other girl and I had class together today and we spent all Algebra 2 just texting him and bitching him out. Really mature of me, yeah I know! :) So I'm just over all of that. Obviously he doesn't regret anything because he keeps standing up for himself (which I am totally confused about since most guys wouldn't admit to something like he did) but if it makes him feel better about himself then its fine with me cuz I'm over it. :)The endless text messages are just pathetic. So I've decided to delete the entire thing and move on. I just hope that there are some decent guys out there in the world. It seems like I've gotten screwed over since my freshman year.

Most people didnt know me all that well before High School. And this is why I call people superficial: I NEVER cared about how I looked. I was happy and content with the person I was. I remember the exact moment when I did start to care though. I had gotten asked out by one of the popular boys and I was so excited! I couldn't even sleep that night. So I go to school the next day and he ignores me. After first period he had his friends come up to me to tell me that he wants to break up and that I'm fucking ugly... I was crushed. I went home early pretending I was sick. Oh and BTW there was a picture going around the school of me and someone drew all over it, great huh? So when I got home I cried for hours on end. Finally I gathered up all my feelings and thought things through. I always was content with how I looked but at the same time I had The nice clothes from A&F and Hollister (that I never wore and still had tags on them), I had contacts that I never wore, makeup, and hair stuff that I was too lazy to use. So after thinking long and hard about my situation I got ready the next morning and was finally confident in myself. Once inside the middle school building people couldn't stop looking at me, I thought there was tissue paper on my shoe or a stain on my face. Then I had that stupid boy come up to me and say, "Wow Shelby, you look great! We should get back together." Are you kidding me?! So thats why I say people are Superficial...

And that relates to my boy problem because I have been thrown around like a piece of garbage since I was a Freshman. I had my first real relationship this past summer with the most amazing guy. I cut it off though because I felt like I wasn't good enough for him. I never had time for him but were still good friends :) I wont elaborate on why I felt like a piece of garbage all these years but my point is that: Guys think they can get away with everything and anything. And most of them... are jerks. They use girls and think its actually kinda funny. Well its really not. So a note for those out there that are like this guy: Treat girls with respect they deserve it. You just look shady and stupid when you think you can be with multiple girls at a time.

So thats the end of my Blog about stupid boys. It actually made me feel a little better to talk some crap :) Everyone should have a blog... Its just great!